Let’s talk about the F word. Not that one, the other one – Fat.
I don’t remember how or when exactly, but I was taught that this is a bad word. Like how in Harry Potter the people of the wizarding world would not say ‘Voldemort’ because it was simply too terrifying. But not saying Voldemort’s name only gives him more power and maintains fear. As we know in the psychology world, an important part of overcoming fear is to approach the scary thing and learn about what it actually is.
‘Fat’ has somehow become greater than itself and synonymous with negative qualities, but these are stories that as a society we have made up and can therefore un-make them. Ultimately ‘fat’ is a descriptor, just as ‘tall’ or ‘brunette’ are descriptors of people’s physical attributes.
Author, podcaster, and activist Aubrey Gordon says, “often, we assume others will be offended or hurt by the same terms we are, but it’s much rarer that we actually ask. Do you know how the fat people in your life feel about the word fat? Have you asked them?”. She suggests that we practice saying the word fat neutrally; “If we believe fat people aren’t inherently inferior to thin people, then our language can and should reflect that”.
Importantly, fat is not a feeling. It is a body type that real people have, and when you say “I feel fat” you are using people’s bodies as a metaphor for low self-esteem. So, to avoid perpetuating weight stigma, instead say what you’re really feeling. Aubrey’s suggestions are “I’m having a bad body image day”, “I feel bloated”, “I feel guilty for eating”, or “I’m feeling insecure”.
“You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin.” – Gloria from Barbie
Health does not = thinness
The diet industry makes roughly $76 billion per year, based on US figures. It’s fairly clear that diets don’t ‘work’ - otherwise why are there so many, why is this industry swimming in cash from repeat customers, and why are they always rebranding them? This industry is selling you a ‘better you’, and what’s implied is that this ‘better you’ is thinner. Nowadays companies are more sophisticated and don’t (often) blatantly state this, you’re more likely to be sold that dieting or losing weight is for your health. The message has put on a moustache, but we can all tell she’s the same; healthy = thin.
But health and thinness have very little to do with one another. And studies tell us that weight centric approaches to health aren't helpful. In fact, focus on weight and weight loss is linked to diminished health (Tylka et al., 2014).
Health is complex and multifaceted, and crucially, it is individual. We are not copies of each other; we all have different bodies that work in different ways. So, what you consider to be a ‘healthy goal’ might not be attainable for others. There’s nothing wrong with having health goals, but healthiness is not a moral virtue. It is also often outside of our control, dictated by genetics and environmental conditions, and always only a temporary state of being (ever had a cold?). Health looks different to everybody, but it does not look like restriction or obsession.
So, if we are to move away from weight being the only indicator of health, that’s a good starting point for taking the focus off the shape and size of our bodies.
How should we really assess our health? Well, here are some basics – keeping in mind that even these measures will vary from person to person:
A warm body that does not feel cold all the time
Pulse 60-100 beats per minute (if you are very physically active you might have a resting heart rate that is lower)
If you were assigned female at birth, a regular menstrual cycle (23-35 days, with a 2-7 day period)
Satisfying bowel movements (between 3 times per day to 3 times per week)
Urinating 6-7 times in 24 hours
7-9 hours of sleep (for most people)
High resiliency to stress
How can this be achieved?
By addressing your emotional, mental, and physical needs - which likely includes eating enough nutrient dense food, regularly (read: 3 nutritious meals a day with snacks in between).
Despite what the diet industry would like you to think, you have very little control over your weight and body shape. But you do have control over:
How much time you spend absorbing media / the sources your expose yourself to
The words you use to describe yourself
What you choose to prioritise
What you do with your emotions
The boundaries you set
Whether you ask for help
Your attitude to yourself and the world
How can I improve my body image?
“I thought healing my negative body image meant waking up every day thinking my body was beautiful, but it turns out its mostly waking up and thinking about something else” - @ItsYasmeenAlhaj
Your body is a vehicle, not an ornament. Focus on what it can do rather than what it looks like. Remember that you live inside it, it carries you through the world. Your heart beats blood around your body, your lungs breath in air for you, your arms can hold the people you love, and your middle holds all the organs that keep you alive. In so many ways, you are a marvel.
Your weight is the least interesting thing about you. When you imagine your funeral, what would you like people to say about the kind of person you were? Probably not ‘they had such a flat stomach’. Consider your values to refocus on what is really important; kindness, humour, adventure - the big picture - who you want to be and how you make others feel. Consider yourself as a whole person.
Become a critical consumer
Social media isn’t going anywhere, and it’s very difficult to control what we see every day – on our phones, on billboards, on TV and in movies. So rather than absorbing airbrushed, filtered, or otherwise unrealistic images on autopilot, it is important to be able to view with a critical eye.
As technology has evolved, so too has so has our ability to manipulate and edit images. This has narrowed the dominant beauty ideal and made it quite literally unachievable to attain for most people. This skews the way that we see ourselves, particularly if we are comparing our unfiltered face or body to one that doesn’t actually exist. This viral Dove ad from 2006 is as relevant today as it was then, showing how much can be done with filters and photoshop.
When you see an image of a body online, ask yourself the following questions:
Where is this coming from?
Am I being sold something? If so, what?
How might these images have been manipulated?
How does it make me feel? Why might it make me feel this?
How does the person who made this image benefit from my insecurity?
If I buy into this or accept it without questioning, is it going to take me closer to self-acceptance, or further away?
Change the way you talk
If you are struggling with your body image, you’re probably critical of your own body, and this makes you more likely to be critical of the bodies of others. How we talk about bodies, whether they are ours or not, impacts our body image but also contributes to shaping the world that we live in. Your words matter, and when you say something like ‘ugh my thighs are so big’, the person you’re with is checking their own.
I’m working hard to heal my relationship to my body, but people around me keep talking about weight loss and dieting!
Setting boundaries is important here. Interrupt unsolicited health and weight loss advice when you see it. Here are some phrases (from “You Just Need to Lose Weight”: And 19 Other Myths About Fat People by Aubrey Gordon) that you can practice using:
“This topic is hard for a lot of people, so I try not to talk about it”
“I support you, but I don’t need to hear about your diet”
“I don’t participate in food shaming”
“No more diet talk” (repeat as necessary)
Change the subject
Walk away
Some other examples of comments that perpetuate diet culture, and responses you can practice to interrupt this:
“I ate so bad today”
“Why? XYZ sounds so fun and yummy.”
“Did you eat something stolen from a baby?”
“I ate so much, I have to exercise”
“No you don’t.”
“Rest is so important for the body, and movement should never be compensation for food. Exercise should be something you do to feel strong and happy, if you want to do it at all.”
“I can’t have X”
“Oh no, are you allergic?”
“More for me.”
“Is it poisoned? Guess this is it for me!”
Assess and challenge your biases
Given the onslaught of cultural messaging that thinness represents beauty and success, it’s no wonder that if your body doesn’t fit this description, you’re likely to feel inferior by comparison.
It’s difficult to break free of anti-fat bias when many of the attitudes we hold are deeply rooted and often unconscious. The only way to shift our biases is to first bring them to the surface. If you’re up for it, take Harvard’s Implicit Association test online (it takes 10 minutes) to explore what biases you may have around weight. Click here and select the Weight IAT test.
https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatouchtestv2.html
To challenge your biases and create new associations, the Harvard IAT site suggests that you make an effort to expose yourself to material that is outside the ‘norm’. For example, watching tv or movies with people who have diverse bodies, or following fat influencers and activists. Become more selective about the type of content you watch and engage with. Appreciating diversity in people of all shapes and sizes is an important step towards accepting difference in our own bodies. How thin is your feed?
REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS
(From Aubrey Gordon)
What have you been taught about fat bodies? Where did you learn this?
Do you compliment others weight loss? If so, when? why or why not?
When those around you compliment weight loss or imply that thinness is superior to fatness, how do you respond?
If I believe that fat people are emotionally damaged, what does that allow me to believe about myself and my own body? Do I feel virtuous by comparison? Or frightened of becoming fat if I’m not vigilant enough with my own ‘emotional eating’?
Be kind to yourself
Write down a criticism you have made about your appearance, then write how you would respond if a friend said this about themselves to you. You’ll notice we are often much kinder to others than we are to ourselves.
From weight loss programs to cosmetic procedures and even makeup, there is a lot of money to be made off your insecurity. If everyone woke up tomorrow and loved themselves completely, as they are, the beauty industry would collapse! It’s likely that from the moment you were born, you received messages about what you are ‘supposed’ to look like or surrounded by people that struggled to embrace themselves. All of this is to say that it is hard to unlearn things. Go gently with yourself as you strive to make peace with your body. It is, after all, where you spend all of your time.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Watch
Poodle Science (3 minute YouTube video); https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H89QQfXtc-k
Embrace (documentary) on Amazon Prime
Read
“You Just Need to Lose Weight”: And 19 Other Myths About Fat People by Aubrey Gordon
The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor
The Health at Every Size Movement blog; https://asdah.org/
Listen
Maintenance phase (podcast)
Eat the Rules with Summer Innanen (podcast)
GET support
If you would like support with food and nutrition, The Bodart Practice offers nutritional therapy with our registered nutritionist, Kate Delmar-Morgan. She offers private sessions as well as workshops.
If you would like to access psychological therapy to address the relationship with your body, arrange a free enquiry call with us to discuss how we can be of help.
References
Gordon, A. (2023). "You Just Need to Lose Weight": And 19 Other Myths About Fat People. Beacon Press. ISBN 9780807006474
“Project Implicit: Take a Test,” Project Implicit, Harvard University, https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html, accessed Nov. 9, 2023.
Tylka, T. L., Annunziato, R. A., Burgard, D., Daníelsdóttir, S., Shuman, E., Davis, C., & Calogero, R. M. (2014). The weight-inclusive versus weight-normative approach to health: Evaluating the evidence for prioritizing well-being over weight loss. Journal of obesity, 2014.
Written by Rebecca Strange, Clinical Psychologist
Bec offers Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) as part of our team in SW London and online. Body image dissatisfaction is one of her special interests and you can read more about her on our team page.
Photo credits: AllGo app, Mika Baumeister, Jennifer Berk. Accessed via Unsplash.