Embrace the clash: Why conflict is necessary for healthy relationships
Put your hands up if you struggle to tolerate conflict and you do anything to avoid it? That would be quite a few of us then! It is a long held belief that it’s a good sign in a relationship if there are no arguments, conflict or disagreements, because if there is no conflict surely that means that there are no problems right? Unfortunately not. I am here to talk about why conflict is necessary in any relationship, but more specifically the romantic relationship, and the pitfalls of avoiding learning how to manage disagreements in a healthy way.
A recap on symbiosis and differentiation
Linking back to our previous post on going from loved up to lost in your relationship, here is a recap on the first two stages of development in romantic relationships (Bader & Pearson; For Couples - Couples Institute). Firstly, when we are falling in love we are entering into and getting beautifully swept up in a stage of symbiosis. In this stage all we talk about is ‘us’ and ‘we’ e.g. ‘we feel so happy’. There is an entangled sense of belonging that you almost forget you are a separate being from your partner, pushing aside the ‘I’ in place for the ‘we’. The second stage of development is called differentiation. In this stage partners come back to their sense of self, reconnecting with what feels individually important and of value. Partners who healthily differentiate are able to express themselves clearly and confidently without the fear of disagreement taking over, and are able to tolerate their partner feeling, thinking and/or wanting something different. Most importantly, they are able to hold onto a sense of the relationship being secure and strong enough to get through conflict. Differentiation is not a stage that is easily entered and managed, however. A lot of couples really struggle to tolerate the anxiety that comes from differences arising and try to keep a tight grip on the sense of ‘sameness’, fearful that facing the differences may result in the relationship ending. Conversely, it is often an inability to navigate differentiation which causes a lot of relationships to end, sooner or later.
The problem with trying to hold on to symbiosis
So, let me paint a picture. We have 2 partners who are madly in love with each other and with the relationship they have created. The neurochemicals start to rebalance and one partner begins coming back online to the things that are important to them as an individual and feeling more of an urge to engage in those things. It would be understandable that the other partner - if they were not coming back online to the self at the same rate- after becoming used to spending so much quality time together, feels threatened by this. It may even tap into some wounds around abandonment. This second partner may respond by seeking greater proximity again, trying to close the gap. This could look like them taking up an activity that they have no interest in, in order to invite back in the “sameness”. Now, I am all for developing shared interests and trying out each other’s hobbies but for the sake of this analogy, let’s just pretend that this second partner really doesn’t like the activity they are now pretending to like. If we circle back to the first partner, let’s say that this person really struggles with guilt when it comes to taking time for themselves, so agrees to their partner joining in on their activity despite craving getting back to the beauty of having something that is just theirs. Both of these positions come from a place of viewing any space or difference in the relationship as threatening, and it comes with the cost of neither partner being true to themselves. The consequence of this is that valid emotions get squashed down, rather than processed and expressed and over time this pattern will lead to emotional distance arising in the relationship and likely, a sense of being out of alignment with the self.
The above is just one way fighting the natural deviation from symbiosis can play out. Another way is when one or both partners need the other to agree with them all the time, need them to want the same things as them all the time, need them to have the same outlook. This is often expressed in one of two ways; 1) high conflict where each partner is pushing the other one to merge, to come round to their side of things; or 2) conflict avoidance where each partner avoids voicing themselves out of fear of rocking the boat and needing to confront the difference. The latter can be seen in the couples who have the mantra “anything for a quiet life”, and are often the couples who when they split others say “but they never seemed like they had any problems.” Let me assure you, the problems were there, this couple just didn’t know how to navigate them and in the end the distance created from ignoring the issues became irreparable.
Why it’s important to befriend conflict
When I refer to conflict I am not talking about violence or toxic arguments involving name calling, belittling or any other harmful behaviours. I am referring to conflicts of opinion/ wants/ needs/ desires/ goals/ values etc. Any area where there is a difference between you and your partner can be an area of potential conflict…or it can be an area of potential growth! The latter is obviously more desirable, but how do you achieve this? First of all I want to share why you would want to achieve this, in response to a question that many couples ask…’how do we get back to how it was when we first met?’ I am afraid you don’t. This may sadden you, and that’s ok, but it’s actually not a bad thing. The symbiotic stage of a relationship feels wonderful and those love chemicals are addictive, but the person you have fallen in love with is tied into your fantasy of them and as long as you cling on to that fantasy you are missing out on getting to know the real them, the whole of them, the good, the bad and the ugly! The cost of this is holding them on some sort of pedestal, where any indication of them deviating from the fantasy version will be experienced as crushing, but also it comes with the cost of true acceptance. If you don’t learn who your partner truly is and let them truly get to know you, you don’t get to evaluate the true compatibility between the two of you, which is an important step in creating and nurturing a long lasting relationship.
How to navigate conflict helpfully and healthily
Firstly, I encourage you to acknowledge that it’s ok to mourn the shifting away from symbiosis, or the honeymoon phase as most people refer to it. Feelings of loss and grief towards this shift are perfectly normal. Secondly, I would suggest that each partner spend some time exploring why disagreement comes with a fearful or avoidant reaction. What does disagreement and conflict mean to you? Did you witness a lot of conflict in your earlier life, that wasn’t contained or repaired? Have you had experience of being rejected for expressing yourself? It’s important to understand how your past experiences shape your present, so you can begin to tease apart how much your current reaction is to do with the present situation and how much of it is an emotional hangover from past experiences.
Following on from the above, here are a few tips on navigating conflict to help it facilitate the evolution of your relationship:
Create and express a list of boundaries to be respected when navigating difficult discussions:
Boundaries are those lines between what does and what does not feel ok. Each person has their own set of boundaries and it’s important to get to know your own and your partner’s, to create a safe container in the relationship. Create this list in advance of any conflict, adding to it as you get to know your own and your partner’s boundaries more clearly.
Examples of a boundary may be:
It is ok for you to ask me if I want a hug when I am crying, it is not ok for you to force me into a hug when I say I do not want one.
It is not ok for me to walk out in the middle of an argument and leave the environment, without an agreed plan around a time out.
It is not ok for either of us to be nasty in the words we use towards each other or for either of us to be demeaning.
Reference the wonderful Brene Brown (What story are you telling yourself? | Brené Brown (youtube.com) by using the phrase ‘the story I am telling myself is…’
When in an argument, it is easy to become emotionally heightened and this then to influence the message you think you are hearing from your partner. When you respond to what you think you are hearing, chances are you are off base and are then adding fuel to the fire.
Try getting back on the same wavelength by steering your language away from blaming language such as ‘you’re saying… you feel like this…’ and instead towards clarifying language such as ‘the story I am telling myself is…. Is that accurate?’
An example of the above would be:
Partner 1: ‘the story I am telling myself is that you don’t like me spending time with my friends and just want me to be at home all the time instead. Is that accurate?’
Partner 2: ‘No, not quite. What I am saying is that I don’t mind you spending time with your friends as I know that it’s something that makes you happy, but I don’t feel like quality time between us gets prioritised and I am missing that quality time.’
Ask yourself ‘how do I want to be received by my partner?’
When communicating yourself, take a moment to consider how you want your partner to receive and respond to your message and therefore what is the best language and tone to use in order to be received that way.
E.g. if you want your partner to receive your message with compassion and openness then it’s not a good idea to use blaming language such as ‘you’re so selfish, you never think of me’ and instead use accountable language such as ‘when you make decisions without consulting me, it hurts because I then feel like we are not a team and my contribution isn’t valued.’
Navigating conflict in your romantic relationship can be really difficult, especially when you are in the thick of it. If this is something you would like help with, or would even like to support your relationship with an extra layer of nurturing, then get in touch with Dr Christina Johnson at The Bodart Practice to discuss further.
Written by: Dr Christina Johnson, counselling psychologist at The Bodart Practice
References:
Bader & Pearson:
For Couples - Couples Institute
Brene Brown:
What story are you telling yourself? | Brené Brown (youtube.com)