Human beings are social creatures. We are always around other people in one way or another and have a number of different relationships at a point in time. This includes relationships with our families, children, friends, neighbours, colleagues etc. It is normal on a fundamental level to crave connection with others as this can be fulfilling and bring meaning to our lives in various ways. Sometimes, however, being around others can become tricky and be a source of distress. We can find ourselves in situations with other people where we would like things to be different. Perhaps we don't like how another person has treated us, they may have said something that has been hurtful or they may have not provided the kind of support we needed at a specific point in time. If this continues to happen with those people, over time, this can start to get in the way of our relationship with them. We may find ourselves holding onto feelings of frustration or resentment towards them, or perhaps merely want to withdraw from them. Sometimes it is helpful to withdraw from relationships we feel are negatively impacting our lives, however, it's not helpful to do this with everyone around us as we may find ourselves alone as a result.
In order to address this, it is important for us to recognise and look for patterns in our relationships. Are there any particular things that others do, which are hurtful to me? How do I respond when people say/do hurtful things? When I do/say _____, what am I asking for from the other person? Once we allow space for this introspection, we can start to understand ourselves better. Through this, we can start to learn about what we need from others. These needs will differ from person to person. When we have identified what our needs are, we can start to communicate these with other people. One way of effectively communicating this to others is to use phrases that start with "I feel ..." and "I would like ...", rather than accusing the other person of what they have/haven't done or said, as they may feel hurt by this. Remember to also bear in mind how the other person may receive the message you are trying to share with them. Once you have shared your feelings/views with the other person, have an open conversation with them and explore ways in which you all may be able to communicate more effectively with each other in future.
By Dr Adila Mahmood, Counselling Psychologist