If February is the month of love, it can certainly come with mixed feelings. Whether you enjoy the opportunity for romance, or prefer to eye roll at the commercialisation of it all, what better time to share some tips for those navigating (or considering) the tricky world of online dating.
Are you ready; emotionally and practically?
Let’s start with your why. What is it that you are looking for? What are your values about the kind of dating and relationship you want? Are you looking to move towards a committed relationship or to have some fun? Or do you want to avoid the discomfort of loneliness and boredom? How are you feeling about your ex and how does that play into your motivation and choices? It’s a good idea to spend some time journaling on these questions.
Practically speaking, online dating requires time and thought. You can find the hours slip away when scrolling through, and of course the actual dating is also a time commitment. Both of these are worth thinking about and deciding how much time you can commit in order to keep the rest of life ticking over. Aside from physical time, there’s also the time that goes into thinking about it all - what to say, to who, when, and how. Consider how would you like to communicate in a way that’s true to your own values?
Online dating can be an emotional rollercoaster, with many ups and downs. How will you make sure you look after yourself so you can enjoy the journey? If you’re in a more vulnerable space then think about whether now is the best time, or how to approach it more slowly. What can you put in place so that you have support around you and what would flag up that it’s time to take a break?
Review your profile and think about the messages it sends
Self-promotion does not come easily to many of us but as your profile creates that first impression, then it’s worth spending some time on it. Think about what pictures you would like to use and what this conveys about you. Check your choices out with good friends and see what they think this says to others and whether that’s aligned with who you are and the kind of partner you would like to attract. What makes you you? How can you share what you like, enjoy doing, find interesting and so on?
Building your profile can often bring up difficult or uncomfortable emotions, if you rush or avoid this your profile will not convey your strengths. Got your first draft? Great! Re-read it and don’t be afraid to tweak it over time. Get feedback from friends who know you well.
Define your boundaries
There are no social norms or clear rules for online dating so think about what you want yours to be. How many people do you have the time and energy to talk to and date? What amount of information will you share and what won’t you share? How much time will you spend on the apps? What kind of dates are you comfortable with? What are your hard ‘no’s’ when it comes to communication and dating.
Be proactive and a bit out of your comfort zone
So you’ve got this far - you’ve made the decision, you’ve downloaded the app(s), you’ve got the profile, you’ve set your values and intentions, now what? At this point the anxiety can really ramp up a notch and all sorts of tricky thoughts and feelings may show up like self-doubt and the urge avoid it all. Try to notice these with compassion and curiosity. Remember you aren’t committing to anything at this point .
Give yourself permission to start by matching with others and having conversations with people you may like. Remember that peoples lives are very busy and they may not respond straight away, but equally don’t pursue conversations that seem overly labour intensive. It may be tempting to avoid conversations or matches as they bring up anxiety. Try to lean into the discomfort, send a reply, and treat it has something to explore and experiment with.
Give yourself time in a playful manner
There’s no rush! Even if you feel a pressure to get dating and matching with multiple people all in one week, only go as fast as you want and feel able to. Can it be fun and playful? Notice when it isn’t and use that as a cue to go back to your values and boundaries - perhaps something has gone off course and needs a re-set.
Treat dates as an opportunity to enjoy yourself and choose places or things to do that you would love to do anyway. Had your eye on that new exhibition? This is a great opportunity to go. Doing an activity together can take the intensity and pressure off and give you something to talk about. But if you prefer the simplicity of a chat over a coffee then go for it! You do you.
A note on kindness
Finally we do not know the other person's situation, life or challenges. Sometimes people can suddenly go cold and stop replying. Ghosting can be a difficult and confusing experience. You can’t know who else they are in contact with, how many dates they have been on, their personal life circumstances or their own anxieties. Try to keep in mind that we are all trying to find love but there is a lot of luck and timing in this too and maybe the reason they have stopped messaging is about a reason outside of the connection or interactions between you two. Online dating is best approached with kindness, to yourself and to others. If you find it all getting too much and you find yourself thinking and feeling more negatively, then give yourself some time to step back. Approach it again once you’ve had some time to refocus on what you need for a while.
If you have any top tips from your experience of online dating or are looking for extra support with love and relationships, then get in touch! We’d love to hear from you.