During the Covid-19 pandemic many of us were put in touch with feelings of loneliness as we had to stay apart from those we loved and cared about. While loneliness is a normal part of life, it can have a negative impact on our mental and physical health if left unaddressed. This year World Mental Health Week is on the theme of loneliness and we wanted to share some information that could be of help.
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a subjective negative feeling of lack of companionship resulting in sadness and distress. Many of us will also be able to relate to the experience of feeling lonely even when we are surrounded by other people. Feelings of loneliness are different for everyone because of factors like the support we have around us, hobbies we are engaged in, and general preferences for spending more or less time alone. Everyone's experiences of loneliness will be different. Loneliness relates to the quality and quantity of social relationships being mismatched to what we desire.
There is a stigma attached to loneliness. This could be because of perceived pressures to be sociable and a sense of falling short, or that loneliness is somehow a sign that there is something wrong with us. We might worry about being judged if we admit to feeling lonely, especially if objectively it seems like we are living busy sociable lives, or have a partner or family. This can make it difficult for people to reach out for help or advice.
Could being alone be a good thing?
Being alone is not the same as loneliness. Certainly we can feel lonely when we are alone, but alone time or solitude can also be a positive and even beneficial experience. Aloneness or solitude refers to feeling peaceful and quiet within oneself, emphasising the importance of having time alone especially in a hyper-connected and demanding world. Research has highlighted a number of benefits of solitude including; increased freedom and creativity, the ability to discover yourself and develop a sense of inner connection as well as helping to regulate our moods and emotions. You might relate to the experience of not having the time to think clearly when life is busy and we are racing from one task to the next. It can also be hard to notice our body feeling stressed or tense when we don’t take that time to tune in and reset.
While solitude has several benefits, it works best under certain conditions; having the choice when to be alone, having existing positive relationships, and being able to manage emotions that may arise. The Covid pandemic took away the element of choice, which made aloneness more aversive and distressing.
There is a fine line between solitude and loneliness, making it important to understand the distinction. You might find it helpful to consider what tips the balance for you between one and the other?
How can you tell if you’re lonely?
There are some key signs to tell whether you or someone you know is lonely. Frequent unproductiveness is a key sign as people who feel lonely may be less effective in completing tasks due to low mood and lack of routines. Secondly, when we feel lonely we can find ourselves focusing on negative thoughts and experiences and even resenting the people in our lives, pushing us even further away into loneliness. Finally, being overly attached to possessions and spending unnecessary amounts of money can become a form of distraction or soothing with the hope of filling the sense of emptiness. These are a few common signs for those experiencing loneliness but due to its subjectivity these signs may vary.
When we compare loneliness to aloneness or solitude, it may be helpful to recognise that when we choose to spend time alone we can be more productive and it can allow us to think and behave more freely and creatively. Emotionally, we can experience positive emotions and our body can enter into a more content and soothed space. We can also feel re-energised to return to our existing relationships and feel closer and more connected as a result.
Can loneliness be harmful?
Loneliness can have negative physical and psychological impacts on our lifestyle. Physically, we may experience changes in appetite, either through eating more than usual or a loss of appetite. When we overeat, this can be due to boredom or because we are using food to replace the lack of connection. This creates a vicious cycle as the food does not feel satisfying and we can find ourselves eating more. Sleep problems may also occur due to the stress of being alone. Research has shown that having more meaningful friendships and regular engagement in social activities results in good sleep. Psychologically, loneliness can lead to low mood and depression, loss of motivation and negative thinking patterns. If loneliness occurs for long periods of time, it can impact our mortality. Research has suggested loneliness influences our bodily functions negatively creating wear and tear. This makes us more vulnerable to conditions such as high blood pressure and cardiac disorders (Hawkley, Masi, Berry & Cacioppo, 2006).
What steps can we take to address loneliness?
When it comes to feeling less lonely, we can sometimes get stuck in feeling resentful of other people for their lack of care or attention. Sometimes we can feel hopeless or powerless to make things better if we feel like we have no control over it. The good news is that there are steps we can take both to reconnect meaningfully to others and to reconnect with ourselves and our environment that will have a positive impact on how we feel.
Experiencing intense and prolonged feelings of loneliness can impact our motivation, leaving us feeling demotivated and more likely to procrastinate. Planning out your daily routine and giving yourself a daily structure can give you more of a sense of direction and increase motivation for daily tasks. It is important to set SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time constrained) that are in line with your personal values and that are a good balance of pleasure and achievement. When we experience a sense of achievement it helps to increase our self-esteem and self-efficacy, therefore decreasing feelings of loneliness. Remember to aim for a win-win by planning the day in a way that feels manageable and realistic, even if this means starting small and breaking larger tasks down into smaller steps. Completing smaller tasks more often will allow for regular feelings of satisfaction and lower feelings of frustration or emptiness.
Looking to the positive psychology research can also give us some great ideas for tackling loneliness and improving our wellbeing overall. Martin Seligman shared five elements that can help us build a life of fulfilment, happiness and meaning.
P- positive emotion
E- engagement
R- relationships
M- meaning
A- Achievement
Positive emotions involve focusing on the better things we have in life. It is part of human nature to have a bias towards the negatives rather than raising awareness for the positive things in life. Shifting our attention to the things that bring us positive emotions can be a useful practice. Developing a daily gratitude journal or practice is one of the ways that can help us to notice the smaller, more positive aspects of our lives contributing to better wellbeing.
Engagement encourages us to find ‘flow’ by recognising and applying our strengths to activities such as learning instruments, reading, or volunteering. Activities that meet our need for engagement flood the body with positive neurotransmitters and hormones encouraging us to remain in the moment and engage with activities we find calming or joyful. The phrase ‘time flies’ comes from experiencing this state of flow, increasing our intelligence, skill development and emotional capabilities.
Developing positive relationships can help tackle loneliness as we meet new people, try new experiences, and find ourselves feeling more engaged and happier. We can also strengthen the connections we have to people already in our lives. Research has shown people with stronger social connections have more positive wellbeing overall. Deb Dana developed one way in which we can think about how to reconnect with people in our lives or establish new connections. Have a look at the questions below and see what could work for you. This can be anything from inviting a friend, neighbour, or colleague to meet for coffee to volunteering within your community, trying a new hobby or exploring your local meet up groups.
Meaning is about having a sense of purpose in life, which can help us to feel more motivated and less lonely or empty as we believe our actions contribute to a greater purpose, encouraging us to behave accordingly. You can think about the different areas of your life and what brings you a sense of meaning. You might also want to think about the relationships in your life that you want to nurture and those which may have run their course.
Finally, a sense of achievement is where we set and attain our meaningful goals in life, connect with people and find our purpose in life allowing us to achieve these goals. Having these goals and achievements allows us to thrive and flourish.
Loneliness can be a difficult concept to understand and cope with, but it is important to know there are many strategies you could incorporate into your life to prevent it. Reach out into your wider community for support and look within yourself for ways to show yourself kindness and compassion and to reconnect with yourself. There is no shame in reaching out for professional support if you need it and we are always happy to hear from you if we can be of help or point you in the right direction. You can book a free 15 minute enquiry call here and you can check out some of the helpful resources below.
Helpful resources:
A student’s guide to loneliness
Guided meditations from Headspace
15 things to do if you’re feeling lonely
Samaritan’s help line: Call 24/7 for free on 116 123 (UK)
References
Hawkley, L. C., Masi, C. M., Berry, J. D., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2006). Loneliness is a unique predictor of age-related differences in systolic blood pressure. Psychology and Aging, 21(1), 152e164.
Pavlova, B., Uher, R., & Papezova, H. (2008). It would not have happened to me at home: qualitative exploration of sojourns abroad and eating disorders in young Czech women. European Eating Disorders Review: The Professional Journal of the Eating Disorders Association, 16(3), 207-214.
Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. Free Press
Blog written by: Dhanisha Vora & Dr Natalie Bodart